So here is the full confession for my week:
~Monday, I went to the gym, did my workouts and felt great, followed my plan about 85% and enjoyed a special treat but it was small and I savored it.
~Tuesday - slept in and missed morning workout however went to the gym at night, ate well probably about 90% on my plan, still enjoyed a little indulging but well controlled.
~Wednesday - again hit the gym but missed the cardio since I slept in (I really stayed up too late the night before) ate pretty well overall and tonight I looked forward to my cheat me - I ordered a huge (I mean huge) burrito from one of our favorite Mexican place - it was a Machaca Burrito with Rice, Beans and Cheese inside enchilada style with sour cream.... It tasted so amazing and I almost finished it I really tired too but I didn't. It actually made me feel sick, bloated and tired for the rest of the night. I didn't feel myself the rest of the night and again stayed up too late.
~Thursday comes - I made it to the gym but only for part of my cardio session since I slept in again, ate well for the day but enjoyed a small slice of pizza before I went to my evening workout (I teach cardio kickboxing twice a week and do martial arts twice a week). Tried to get to bed early but in bed again late but this time super late.
~Friday came, woke up late, went to the gym but missed cardio because I needed to get home. Morning meal went great and then it was downhill from there, missed snacks, had a chimichanga with jalapeno cream cheese, rice and black beans with chips and salsa with a mango margarita. When dinner came I had hot wings to start and split them with my boyfriend well it was like a 70-30 split and I was on the 70 end. Then I ordered a grilled chicken salad but it had bacon and cheese on it with ranch - so bad but balsamic didn't sound good right then. I didn't eat most of the bacon or cheese and hardly touched the ranch. After that I had some drinks probably about 4 but, I remembered to drink lots of water.
~Saturday, I woke up (we camped over night and it was so cold because it rained where we were), had coffee (added a little plain creamer) and ordered breakfast where we were, they had two choices, I chose the breakfast burrito - not great, in fact it tasted horrible. I drank water and we came home. I missed most all my snacks however had a few almonds. We did some errands and when we got hungry we went to one of my favorite pizza and wing places (such a horrible choice but it tasted so yummy). We ordered pizza with ham and pineapple and hot wings. I had two slices of pizza and about 16 of the 20 wings (I love wings way more than my boyfriend). I kinda justified this because tonight was supposed to be a cheat meal. I drank water but missed today's workout. When we got home, we took a nap and I felt bloated and yucky. We woke up a couple hours ago and I still feel bloated and yucky, since I was hungry I made a good choice - 10 almonds and a small orange and small grapefruit with more water to help cleanse/detox my body. This is my previous pattern, work hard all week to just to sabotage myself on the weekends.
Being so honest about my week is hard because part of me feels like a failure to have fallen right back into those bad habits but these two days do not represent what happened the whole week. I made it to the gym everyday except today and I already knew that I wouldn't be able to workout today because we were going to a camping event, so I decided ahead of time I would move my Saturday workout to Sunday (which is my 36th Birthday so how great will it be to get my butt out of bed and workout, I think that is better than sleeping in). In my weight workouts, I was able to increase my free weights from 15 pounds and 10 pounds for my ME workout to 20 pounds (squat press, lunge curls, and push up rows) and 15 for squat side raises. This felt awesome because I am stronger than I think I am most of the time. What was even more awesome about this two is that I was able to do 4.5 sets of my ME Circuit in 20 minutes, so if I keep this up I will likely have to increase the weights again in a week or two or maybe I will just change the workout plan. Also, I weighed 167.2 on Monday after the show and Friday I weighed 167 in the morning - so I was able to keep my weight steady all week. My measurements were very close to my pre-competition measurements too. I am not so focused on weight - oh forgot to mention that my body fat percentage was done since the competition too, feels great!!
I am still very motivated to continue my journey and this struggle the past couple days has taught me that it is still important for me to be planning and getting back into the right mindset. Which is about making healthy choices regardless of what others are doing and remembering there is no "Free day". I think it also helped me understand, that I do not like the way I feel right now, my body feels gross and bloated and I worked to damn hard to let me old ways of sabotaging my success come back. I will persevere and conquer this, because I am now aware of what is happening and I don't want this and I have a great support system. I want to continue to feel confident and proud of myself and my choices.
It feels awesome to come back and have people that I know or who know of me through my boyfriend and other friends, contact me about helping them reach their goals. So it is really important to me to stay focused and not lose sight of all my goals and also not undo what progress I have made, because it was a lot of hard work. I had some great friends get me amazing gifts after the competition and my training client wrote me a beautiful card. I have also had lots of people tell me how amazed they are that I was able to stay focused on my dream and actually compete in the Bikini Competition. I actually had a friend recently tell me that he didn't think I would be able to do it when I told him I was going to do it but he quietly kept that to himself and when I did it and he saw my progress, he acknowledged that he was blown away and I had knocked it out of the park. Friday night another one of our friends, told me he was secretly following my journey (I had no idea he was) but he was so impressed at how I had done and how far I had come since he last saw me. He spent probably 10-15 minutes of our dinner just talking about my progress, then another friend also acknowledged my accomplishment and told me he had also been following my journey and was also impressed. It felt amazing and in fact as I am typing it now, I am feeling that energy come back and start to fuel me. Last night it was also cool that one of my boyfriends old friends who we rarely see comment on how amazing I look (he had no idea I had done a competition) but he was just shocked at how much I had changed and said something like I have never looked this good. Another person said if they hadn't been following me, they wouldn't have even known who I was because I look so different.
It was nice to hear all those positive comments and I want to keep those mentally at the front of my mind when I start to make decisions. I am in the process of making a sustainable plan but that doesn't give me the right to do two days of free for all eating and drinking - I guess I was kinda on a controlled binge....if there is even such a thing. Not eating so much I throw up but just eating whatever I want because I want it type binge. This whole recap brings me to this thought:
Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall. ~ Confucious
With this in mind, my choices Friday and today have been a time I have fallen, but I was able to understand what was happening and acknowledged that I was having thoughts that justified my choices, once I really reflected and woke up from my nap, I made healthier choices. Tomorrow will be another time for me to rise and make healthier choices that will help create my balanced lifestyle. Tomorrow I will be 36 and I want to start the day off right so I will do a morning workout since I took Saturday off and then my boyfriend and I will head to this amazing place called The Farm for breakfast where they grow all their own food - I will make a healthy choice for breakfast but before we leave the house I will make sure that I have plenty of water to take with me and some snacks in case we are out of the house for longer than I expect. Plus I am going back to implementing a bedtime of 10pm - I can no longer stay up until midnight and get up and workout - my body has become accustomed to sleep and I understand how important it is on a physical level. I will also make sure that I have what I need for the week for me to continue to make the choices that are in line with my goals and help me move towards them. My goals right now are to 1) Continue to become fitter, healthier, stronger and leaner 2) Create a healthy balanced lifestyle 3) Compete in another Bikini or maybe my first figure competition November 3, 2012. 4) Get ready for my next stop on my journey - professional photo shoot June 22, 2012 in North Carolina that my coach is setting up and I am hoping that I might get to meet some of the other ladies in the Best of You Coaching Club while I am there. 5) Creating a workable plan for my three week vacation in July, so that when we are on the road, I am making healthy choices and getting a good workout.
I know that I can continue this journey strong and focused and I accept that every once in a while I will be tested, which is how I will grow and these challenges give me the opportunity to exercise newly formed mental muscles and I need them to grow and get stronger. Something that I have always believed in is this "if you are not satisfied with where you are at right now, make the choices that get you to where you want to be." I am happy with where I am right now because I am so much different from where I was 30 pounds ago and even more so 50 pounds ago, but this is not the end of my journey, I still have more body fat to lose and more body change to make happen. I still have more to learn about myself so I can help others. I am truly proud of myself regardless of my errors and I become stronger because I have made and learned from them. One final thought:
Nothing can stop the man with the right mental attitude from achieving his goal; nothing on earth can help a man with the wrong mental attitude. ~ Thomas Jefferson
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