Now What....

So Now What.... is one of the questions I have been struggling with however I know what. The what is the upcoming photo shoot in June where I will get to meet the other amazing women in the coaching program with my coach Jill.  However even though I know the what, I still am asking now what.

Last week was incredibly challenging - mentally.  After the competition, I was on a competition high, "no one and nothing can stop me!!"  However after that wore off, I have struggling refocusing.  Mainly it has been incorporating new foods, normal foods back into my nutrition plan.  I feel like I have gone a little bit hog wild.  I have been able to justify my behavior by saying things like "I deserve this, it is okay I am allowed to have some cheat meals or little indulges" but that is not serving me well.  It is hurting me and a form of self-sabotage.  I knew I would gain some weight back after the competition it is inevitable because I was dehydrating so once I put water back into my diet 5 pounds was going to come back, but then I added about another 5 more following my birthday.  Which is still great, especially when I was able to by a size 6 pair of jeans, even if they were from Old Navy the tag says 6.  However, with that said I am fearful of back sliding and find myself struggling to maintain a balanced meal plan - one day I do great and then I blow it or I do great part of the day but then eat candy from work or a slice of pizza with dinner when I ordered soup and salad.  

One thing that I am realizing is that I was very dedicated to my competition plan, and I only realized that because I am noticing my behavior now.  I don't think I thought I was being that diligent but I was.  I wasn't having candy and eating pizza, when we went out to eat I was able to order the healthiest thing on the menu.  Its weird because I think right now I miss my competition meal plan - not necessarily the rigid dedication to it but I miss some of the meals, I miss the energy I got from eating the clean food, I miss the stevia sweetened green tea which I though of as my special treat.  I just miss how good I felt eating on that plan.  My new post-competition plan is good and I like it but there are some things missing, like oat bran with stevia and cinnamon.  I know I am weird but oddly enough those foods became comforts and sources of excitement.  

Figuring out how to get that fire back it important, the NOW WHAT? do I do after the competition.  I am excited about the photo shoot but I don't know why it doesn't drive more excitement into me when I think about eating clean.  I just don't know what to do without going back on a competition plan and that is not a solution to the issue, that is a band-aid and eventually I am going to have to face this issue head on, so I might as well do it now.  Luckily, in my most recent email to my coach, I shared my struggles and requested guidance.  However ultimately it is up to me because she has already given me a post-competition meal plan that is good and I like, but there is just something missing and that might be the feeling of focusing on a goal. I think that I am not looking at the photo shoot the same as the competition and this is something that I might not ever be able to do but acknowledging it is important so I can work on it.  I am planning on competing in another competition however I would love to move into Figure instead of bikini and to do that I know I have to really focus on lifting heavy and eating clean and the sooner I figure out this mental issue of self sabotage the sooner I will be on track to build for Figure.  I just don't want to be "now what" after the next competition.  

As I write this blog, I continue to ask myself Now What??? I think the "Now What" is to get back to my original goal of obtaining my optimal physique and to start taking steps for achieving a physique muscular, tone and fit enough to compete again in November.  Starting now and finding balance will help get me closer to that goal and also help me manage the "Now What" when I am done.  I wonder if I should be treating the photo shoot like a competition. Should I follow a stricter plan however allowing one cheat meal a week instead of little indulges. I think I might be happier with myself and my choices if I continue to make the ones that get me to my goal instead of the ones that come more natural (my bad habits).  Sometimes old habits die hard but they must die when they are no longer serving me in a healthy way.

This is my week to figure out a plan that I can work with for the next several months and work through negative choices that don't serve me.  It will be important for me to figure out what I like from my competition plan and incorporate it with my post-competition plan.  Talking with my coach and exploring self sabotage will be crucial as well as talking about coming of the post-competition high and getting advice about how to manage it and move forward without moving backwards.  So to wrap it up (since it's my bedtime), the first thing I will do is get up in the morning and workout, when I get home I will look at my different plans and see what I can come up with and then review that along with how I am feeling with my coach.  After that I will need to continue to blog about my challenges and success, focus on my goal and create stops and spaces for breathing and reflecting.  I have to remember these two things as well

 1) Be kind to myself 
 2) Trust the process.  

Post Competition Review: First Battle with Old Habits

Today is officially one week post bikini competition for me and it has been great.  I did gain about five pounds after the competition but I am still happy with that because it is probably all water weight plus it was that time of month, you women know what I mean.  The week started out strong and I really tried to watch my choices, allowing myself some small indulges but countering them with healthy choices.  However, yesterday and today, I really battled with old habits.  I now understand the saying "old habits die hard" better today.  I wasn't under stress the past two days, however, I didn't plan well, so for me that meant I didn't make the best choices, plus I had the mind set of "it's okay to indulge a little bit," "I deserve it because I worked so hard," and "everyone else is doing it, so its okay."  I will be happy when these thoughts don't come so naturally.

So here is the full confession for my week: 

~Monday, I went to the gym, did my workouts and felt great, followed my plan about 85% and enjoyed a special treat but it was small and I savored it.  

~Tuesday - slept in and missed morning workout however went to the gym at night, ate well probably about 90% on my plan, still enjoyed a little indulging but well controlled.  

~Wednesday - again hit the gym but missed the cardio since I slept in (I really stayed up too late the night before) ate pretty well overall and tonight I looked forward to my cheat me - I ordered a huge (I mean huge) burrito from one of our favorite Mexican place - it was a Machaca Burrito with Rice, Beans and Cheese inside enchilada style with sour cream.... It tasted so amazing and I almost finished it I really tired too but I didn't.  It actually made me feel sick, bloated and tired for the rest of the night.  I didn't feel myself the rest of the night and again stayed up too late.  

~Thursday comes - I made it to the gym but only for part of my cardio session since I slept in again, ate well for the day but enjoyed a small slice of pizza before I went to my evening workout (I teach cardio kickboxing twice a week and do martial arts twice a week).  Tried to get to bed early but in bed again late but this time super late.  

~Friday came, woke up late, went to the gym but missed cardio because I needed to get home.  Morning meal went great and then it was downhill from there, missed snacks, had a chimichanga with jalapeno cream cheese, rice and black beans with chips and salsa with a mango margarita.  When dinner came I had hot wings to start and split them with my boyfriend well it was like a 70-30 split and I was on the 70 end.  Then I ordered a grilled chicken salad but it had bacon and cheese on it with ranch - so bad but balsamic didn't sound good right then.  I didn't eat most of the bacon or cheese and hardly touched the ranch.  After that I had some drinks probably about 4 but, I remembered to drink lots of water.  

~Saturday, I woke up (we camped over night and it was so cold because it rained where we were), had coffee (added a little plain creamer) and ordered breakfast where we were, they had two choices, I chose the breakfast burrito - not great, in fact it tasted horrible.  I drank water and we came home.  I missed most all my snacks however had a few almonds.  We did some errands and when we got hungry we went to one of my favorite pizza and wing places (such a horrible choice but it tasted so yummy).  We ordered pizza with ham and pineapple and hot wings.  I had two slices of pizza and about 16 of the 20 wings (I love wings way more than my boyfriend).  I kinda justified this because tonight was supposed to be a cheat meal.  I drank water but missed today's workout.  When we got home, we took a nap and I felt bloated and yucky.  We woke up a couple hours ago and I still feel bloated and yucky, since I was hungry I made a good choice - 10 almonds and a small orange and small grapefruit with more water to help cleanse/detox my body. This is my previous pattern, work hard all week to just to sabotage myself on the weekends.  

Being so honest about my week is hard because part of me feels like a failure to have fallen right back into those bad habits but these two days do not represent what happened the whole week.  I made it to the gym everyday except today and I already knew that I wouldn't be able to workout today because we were going to a camping event, so I decided ahead of time I would move my Saturday workout to Sunday (which is my 36th Birthday so how great will it be to get my butt out of bed and workout, I think that is better than sleeping in).   In my weight workouts, I was able to increase my free weights from 15 pounds and 10 pounds for my ME workout to 20 pounds (squat press, lunge curls, and push up rows) and 15 for squat side raises.  This felt awesome because I am stronger than I think I am most of the time.  What was even more awesome about this two is that I was able to do 4.5 sets of my ME Circuit in 20 minutes, so if I keep this up I will likely have to increase the weights again in a week or two or maybe I will just change the workout plan.  Also, I weighed 167.2 on Monday after the show and Friday I weighed 167 in the morning - so I was able to keep my weight steady all week.  My measurements were very close to my pre-competition measurements too.  I am not so focused on weight - oh forgot to mention that my body fat percentage was done since the competition too, feels great!!

I am still very motivated to continue my journey and this struggle the past couple days has taught me that it is still important for me to be planning and getting back into the right mindset.  Which is about making healthy choices regardless of what others are doing and remembering there is no "Free day".  I think it also helped me understand, that I do not like the way I feel right now, my body feels gross and bloated and I worked to damn hard to let me old ways of sabotaging my success come back.  I will persevere and conquer this, because I am now aware of what is happening and I don't want this and I have a great support system.  I want to continue to feel confident and proud of myself and my choices.  

It feels awesome to come back and have people that I know or who know of me through my boyfriend and other friends, contact me about helping them reach their goals. So it is really important to me to stay focused and not lose sight of all my goals and also not undo what progress I have made, because it was a lot of hard work.  I had some great friends get me amazing gifts after the competition and my training client wrote me a beautiful card.  I have also had lots of people tell me how amazed they are that I was able to stay focused on my dream and actually compete in the Bikini Competition.  I actually had a friend recently tell me that he didn't think I would be able to do it when I told him I was going to do it but he quietly kept that to himself and when I did it and he saw my progress, he acknowledged that he was blown away and I had knocked it out of the park.  Friday night another one of our friends, told me he was secretly following my journey (I had no idea he was) but he was so impressed at how I had done and how far I had come since he last saw me. He spent probably 10-15 minutes of our dinner just talking about my progress, then another friend also acknowledged my accomplishment and told me he had also been following my journey and was also impressed.  It felt amazing and in fact as I am typing it now, I am feeling that energy come back and start to fuel me. Last night it was also cool that one of my boyfriends old friends who we rarely see comment on how amazing I look (he had no idea I had done a competition) but he was just shocked at how much I had changed and said something like I have never looked this good.  Another person said if they hadn't been following me, they wouldn't have even known who I was because I look so different.  

It was nice to hear all those positive comments and I want to keep those mentally at the front of my mind when I start to make decisions.  I am in the process of making a sustainable plan but that doesn't give me the right to do two days of free for all eating and drinking - I guess I was kinda on a controlled binge....if there is even such a thing.  Not eating so much I throw up but just eating whatever I want because I want it type binge.  This whole recap brings me to this thought:

Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall. ~ Confucious

With this in mind, my choices Friday and today have been a time I have fallen, but I was able to understand what was happening and acknowledged that I was having thoughts that justified my choices, once I really reflected and woke up from my nap, I made healthier choices.  Tomorrow will be another time for me to rise and make healthier choices that will help create my balanced lifestyle.  Tomorrow I will be 36 and I want to start the day off right so I will do a morning workout since I took Saturday off and then my boyfriend and I will head to this amazing place called The Farm for breakfast where they grow all their own food - I will make a healthy choice for breakfast but before we leave the house I will make sure that I have plenty of water to take with me and some snacks in case we are out of the house for longer than I expect.  Plus I am going back to implementing a bedtime of 10pm - I can no longer stay up until midnight and get up and workout - my body has become accustomed to sleep and I understand how important it is on a physical level.  I will also make sure that I have what I need for the week for me to continue to make the choices that are in line with my goals and help me move towards them. My goals right now are to 1) Continue to become fitter, healthier, stronger and leaner 2) Create a healthy balanced lifestyle 3) Compete in another Bikini or maybe my first figure competition November 3, 2012.  4) Get ready for my next stop on my journey - professional photo shoot June 22, 2012 in North Carolina that my coach is setting up and I am hoping that I might get to meet some of the other ladies in the Best of You Coaching Club while I am there.   5) Creating a workable plan for my three week vacation in July, so that when we are on the road, I am making healthy choices and getting a good workout.

I know that I can continue this journey strong and focused and I accept that every once in a while I will be tested, which is how I will grow and these challenges give me the opportunity to exercise newly formed mental muscles and I need them to grow and get stronger.  Something that I have always believed in is this "if you are not satisfied with where you are at right now, make the choices that get you to where you want to be."  I am happy with where I am right now because I am so much different from where I was 30 pounds ago and even more so 50 pounds ago, but this is not the end of my journey,  I still have more body fat to lose and more body change to make happen.  I still have more to learn about myself so I can help others.  I am truly proud of myself regardless of my errors and I become stronger because I have made and learned from them. One final thought:

Nothing can stop the man with the right mental attitude from achieving his goal; nothing on earth can help a man with the wrong mental attitude. ~ Thomas Jefferson

Competition Insights and Reflections

My first Bikini Competition was Saturday April 7, 2012 and above are some of my pictures from the stage.  I had an awesome time.  It was amazing and I felt so confident.  I was very happy that I got to share my experience with my friends and my boyfriend!

I learned a lot of things during the competition. First it is a lot harder than it looks.  Posing on stage in the right sequence, slow yet fast enough, and with the right attitude, charisma and  peppy personality that the judges are looking for, all while fighting off your nerves.  Oh and don't forget to smile, that is so important.  Then if you remember and make it through all that, next you have to pose while waiting for all the other girls to do their thing.  It is a lot to do and boy can a girls back get sore trying to hold some poses. Wait forgot to say that you have to remember not to slouch, stand up tall and sexy, yet graceful and elegant.

The whole experience was surreal at times.  We went to check in on Friday night and luckily went early and we were done quickly.  Luckily I got to compete with one of my friends and we were standing next to each other, it was awesome!  I loved being able to share the experience with two of my friends.  I really looked to them for guidance since they both had competed before.  Next we the competitors meeting before prejudging where they provided us the information we needed for the competition.  Basically the outline of the day and evening.  After that it was getting ready for prejudging and a lot of waiting.  During that time we took time to talk, watch the other competitors and prepare ourselves for our walk on stage.  While I was talking to my friend Stephanie, she shared with me that she had gotten sick about 3 weeks before the competition and wasn't going to compete however our friend Brandi shared with her my blog.  She told me that as she was reading it, I became her inspiration for competing and that is the only reason she was at this competition because of me and my story motivating her.  Brandi acknowledged the same thing.  That was so humbling and I wanted to cry, but Steph reminded me I wasn't wearing waterproof mascara or eye liner.  I think I am still in a little bit of a shock that I was motivating them,  I was looking up to them and they were in turn looking for inspiration and motivation.

As many of you know I created a progression collage, to keep with me in case I started to get doubtful of my worthiness to be there, in case I started to compare myself to other women.  I did create it and I actually found a picture from 2009 when I was like 215 pounds.  I added it to my collage, I still can't believe that was actually me. I don't even look like the same person!  What I found there was I didn't even really need it.  I only looked at  it a couple of times, and mostly to show other people my progress.  It was amazing to me how I felt included, no one looked at me funny or talked behind my back or whispered as I walked by.  Both women and men alike were nice, social and mostly concerned about themselves and their friends.  The people that I knew and that I met told me how great I looked.  I ended up hearing stories about other women also losing 20 plus pounds to compete.  Another thing I noticed as I looked around at everyone, was that most all the women had some time of wiggle, jiggle or stretch mark or something they were concerned about.  I actually heard one beautiful lady talk about her butt and how it isn't that great but its hers and she working it. Mind you I thought it was pretty amazing.  So everyone of them had their own insecurities but that didn't stop them from competing.

As we watched some of the other competitors, I saw a women who was in the Master's Class looking very fit and sexy come out on stage and do her poses.  As I was watching her I happened to notice that she had the worst stomach stretch marks I had ever seen on a woman (however she definitely had tight and toned abs), and this is something I know from my friends with children, many of them are self conscious about.  But as I watched her, I wasn't drawn to them, I was drawn away from them, by her confidence, her smile and her overwhelming inner beauty.  I thought, how amazing that this woman is to be able to have so much inner strength and self confidence that she is not letting something on the outside of her body hold her back.  I found so much power in watching her and I wish that every woman I knew had the confidence she had.  She stood tall and strong, proud of who she was regardless of other peoples perceptions because that's all they are anyways, someone else's perception, which we don't need to ingest or take on, because that's that persons shit.

I felt very normal and it was weird that I didn't get nervous until I was just about to walk on stage for the first time, only because I kind of expected to be a little nervous, but instead it felt natural probably from all the visualization that my coach had me do.    As I walked on to stage I had so many things running through my head of what to do and what to remember, smile, pose, look at the judges, etc. oh and have fun - most importantly.  While I was on stage posing, I heard my boyfriend cheering for me, probably because he yelled "Poohpotch" which for some reason is his nickname for me.  I saw my friend Brandi cheering me on and both those things helped me feel good and confident on stage, that I was just as deserving to be there as the next competitor. 

I was invigorated with positive power and energized by the whole experience.  Again something that I wish every woman I know could experience (even if she doesn't want to do bikini competition).  As we took pictures backstage, I found that when I reviewed them I couldn't believe how great I looked and that truly I wasn't much bigger than my friends.  I didn't look like a lard ass (which I don't believe about myself but was concerned those negative thoughts would try to derail me), in fact I felt like I looked incredibly sexy.  (In fact, after seeing some of the pictures of me from the back, I started to thing those things but I was able to get those out of my head once I remember what my journey has been and that I am the sexist, fittest, strongest, healthiest, and thinnest me)

During the break between prejudging and finals, my boyfriend told me he couldn't remember when I looked so sexy, so good and that he thought in that moment, that was the sexist and most beautiful I had ever looked.  I think he was right not because of what I looked like on the outside but because I had the inner beauty glow beaming through my skin, confidence and inner strength pumping through my veins, and the feeling of success pumping my heart and filling my lungs with every breathe I took.  Achieving a goal that I had set for years, agreed 1000% with me and it showed.  I definitely glowed and I think I am still glowing, :o)

I felt proud of myself and my accomplishment of a significant goal for myself.   I still feel very proud of myself and I am so looking forward to competing again in 6 months.  I can't wait to see what I can do in the next six months....maybe figure instead of bikini, but I will make that decision in about 4 months.  For now, I am going to enjoy the current feelings of celebration and success that are present in my mind and body.  I will continue to regain some balance and start creating a sustainable lifestyle which includes fitness and healthy nutrition.  Because competition mode is very difficult personally and on your relationships. I will continue to workout six days a week but only once per day for now and continue my fat loss and body change journey.

I want to be the best me I can.  I also want to help other women achieve this feeling and make the changes they want in their lives.  One thing that I didn't expect when I started this blog or through about when I decided to share my story was how it would motivate and inspire other women.  I feel honored that some of them have sought me out to help them achieve their goals.  What is ironic in a way, is that I am inspired by hearing that I have inspired and am inspiring others.  As I have completed this journey, I had no idea how far my story would read or how it would impact others, I did it in the beginning to hold myself accountable and to get support to continue through my journey to the stage.  But yet my journey does not end at the stage, the stage was just my first stop along my journey.  And as Bruce Lee said "Remember, success is a journey not a destination.  Have faith in your ability. You will do just fine."  And that I did, just fine!!  I had no expectations of winning and even if I placed last in my division, it doesn't matter because I am now a bikini competitor and I have achieve a goal that has been on my goal list for more than five years.  I was a winner before I walked into prejudging and I am a winner now!!

I want to leave you with one last thought - this was a magnet a dear friend gave me because she was so proud of my perseverance and dedication to my goal of competing:

What lies behind us and what lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Final Countdown to the Competition Stage

Only five days left until the competition and it has been a good yet challenging week.  My exercises have changed and so has my food.  Although I think I am doing well, I am battling cheats everyday especially when I am at work.  I have faced some thoughts of self doubt and struggled to get them out of my head.  Last week I had a very difficult day mentally and it was important for me to work through that.  Self doubt and over expectation came up from behind and tried to derail me.  I started to think that I could have done better, I hadn't done enough, I didn't look as good as I wanted to, I was starting to think about how fat and full of cellulite I would look on stage and that my bikini fit too tight.  All these thoughts were starting to mess with me briefly but I was able to get them under control and process how far I have come.

To rid myself of these evil demons (which do come back sometimes), I started to think about my behavior a year ago and what I weighed, how I looked and how I felt physically and emotionally.  I thought about my desire to "want" to do a figure/bikini competition but never failing to make any more progress than to put it on a list of things to do this year and it would of course get rolled over to the next year.  Well not this year, this year before I turn 36 I will have competed in a bikini competition,  I have lost almost 50 pounds since I weighed my heaviest and since I decided to compete and after the holidays, I have lost 25 pounds of those.  I have also lost over 6% body fat, which is so important.  I have changed many habits, actually truly working out several times a week, previously I just went to Kempo which was great because it helped me lose 12-15 pounds but then I hit a plateau.  I started working out here and there and when I did great I would make progress, but as soon as I stopped it would come back.  I also had a difficult time keeping my nutrition clean even 70% of the time because in one week I would do great the first three-five days and then sabotage myself on the weekend.  Now I am able to follow a competition meal plan, which I might say, is definitely harder than a "normal"   healthy meal plan.  I also cut drinking and to be honest, I like this, I wake up refreshed and don't have to spend a whole day recovering or two from a hang over.  And even though I have battled with cheating, I have come a long way from my habits before.

I feel physically and mentally stronger and healthier.  Before I started training for the competition I had terrible knee pain and was diagnosed with mild medial osteoarthritis in both my knees.  Most my patella hurt (which is pain the goes vertical in the middle of your knee).  Now I am able to do 500 walking lunges in 20 minutes with no knee pain and 6 sets of a Plyometric workout in 20 minutes, and do track sprints - 100 meters.  Funny story about the track sprints, the last time I was doing them a friend was with me and when we got to the  track there was the college track team practicing.  We still got to use the track but of course had to move to the outside of the track.  So as I was sprinting one of my 100 meters, when I do to the end one of the girls training said "you are inspiring me."  I said thank you but thought to myself "wow me inspiring her....that is awesome and totally empowering.  Here I am not very fast compared to them, but I was actually inspiring her."  I am very proud of that moment and that moment only came because I decided to compete in this bikini competition and because I hired an awesome coach who sent me out to do track sprints.  Which I have to say I absolutely love and will keep it as part of my weekly workout.

Another way I have recently keep those evil demons out of my head was go through my closet and try things on.  It is funny because I have another whole bag of things that fall off me, so that makes two full garbage bags for me to donate.  I still have a bunch of clothes that are too big but I can still pull off wearing them for a another month (I hope).  This year I will to ask people for money or gift cards to go shopping with for my birthday. Some clothes I got from a friend when she lost a lot of weight and some things went from being to small to being to big, I never got to wear them at the just right stage but hey I am good this that.  I know before too long I will have cycled though all my clothes.  Which is weird because I am the type of girl that keeps clothes for a long time at least five years and I have some from seven years ago.  But again this shows me that I have made considerable progress.

At last to keep focused on my progress I have a progression college that I look at almost daily and it is so weird because I look at my pictures and I feel like I stare at them for hours (but it's probably like 5-10 minutes - ok 30 max but usually that is when I am sending an update to my coach and comparing the new ones to the old ones).  I can't get over how much my body has changed and how I can pull off wearing the bikini I am on stage and I believe "I will rock the stage in my sexy body, that I slaved over."  Its funny a friend was telling me about showing her daughter who is like 5 or 6 my last blog with the progression pictures while she was eating (I think) and her daughter stopped, her jaw dropped and she said "how can that even be the same person?" Kids say things that are so honest and innocent and it amazes me how right she is.  I am not that person but I have grown because I was that person.  I know what it is like to strive to reach a goal, fall down, get back up, fall again, get back up and face every challenge head on.  I am not physically the same and I am not mentally the same - I am stronger, fitter, healthier and capable of whatever I put my mind too.

Five days left and I will be walking across the stage.  Luckily I will be doing it with my friend and I thank you every day that I get closer to my goal because without her event invite to the 2nd Annual Jay Cutler Desert Classic, I probably would still be doing the same thing expecting a different result, which is basically the definition of insanity. I am so blessed to have a great support system, from my boyfriend, to my coach, to my friends and family and everyone on Facebook who likes my posts or comments on them.  It means a lot to me and keeps me motivated that you all care enough to follow my progress.  I haven't been able to blog and share as much as I wanted to but I have continued to do it, to hold myself accountable and to be true to my word. In the book the Four Agreements - the first agreement is "Be Impeccable to Your Word" - I have tried to do this through my journey and I think it is working.

The final prepping moments are here, hotel booked - done, haircut - done, makeup run though - done but will do again, workouts and food prepping still to do.  Nails, spray tan and pedicure still to do.  Packing - still to do.  I have some last minute things to do but overall I feel confident, I know I have done enough and that what I have done has been good enough.  I will glide across the stage with grace and confidence as I show off my sexy body that I worked and sacrificed for.

I know that I wont be the skinniest girl or the fittest girl, but 

I am the skinniest, fittest, and sexist me 

and that is what competing is about.  

COMPETING SELF AGAINST SELF, OLD vs. NEW.