Defining Success

Success - what is it?  Sometimes I wonder how it should be defined.... Do I define it, does someone else or does society???  I think I define success for myself and only myself and this is a belief that has been starting to emerge.  I mean I have always believed it but until recently I realized that I have been trying to live up to other peoples standards and doing things because others think it would be a good move for me or I have a fear of displeasing someone.  Don't get me wrong, those feelings haven't completely left but I am finally starting to figure out what I want.

I started this journey to get a better body - be more fit, feel and look sexier and along the way to gaining increased confidence and self esteem and personal acceptance, I have started to find Amanda aka Mandy.  Yes I said it, I found Mandy (who I have always been known as up until I was about 16 or so).  I am really starting to get connected to who I was meant and destined to be however got lost along the way.  Don't get me wrong, I am happy with where I am at - I love my boyfriend, my friends, my family, my life and anything I am not happy scratch that satisfied with, I am working on a plan to change.  I feel like I am finally waking up from holding myself back and being a victim of my past without even knowing it.

As all of you know, we recently returned home from a long vacation (3 weeks) - we came back early because we bought to trucks in Washington to rebuild and sell (old trucks - 48 & 51 Chevys).  Anyways, one that trip I went through a lot of different things.  First I found out that I bring entirely too much stuff and that I over estimate my time and what I can do while I am gone, its just me and something that I can now work on because I could have definitely saved some space in the truck.  Second, I appreciate Kirk and love him more every day,  He is truly a special man and someone I look forward to growing old with.  We are really starting to make our dreams come true and our communication and support of each other is growing stronger and stronger with every conversation and day we are together.  Thirdly, accepting people the way they are instead of the way I want them to be, which is part of the victim role. I did some real "work" on my emotional baggage while I was in WA seeing my dad about my relationship with my dad and that has really opened me up to seeing things different.  Coincidence or destiny??  I think it was destined for me to do the work while I was visiting him, it really helped me appreciate who my father is as a man.  Fourthly - I really try to do too many things and even with vacation and my blog - I was so hopeful about what I could actually accomplish and I have to admit that I had a very difficult time doing everything I wanted to do in my last blog, especially the fitness piece.  Fifth and probably most important, it is important to be in the moment and enjoy where you are at in the world and who you are spending your time with.  Sometimes just being is more important that doing.

So back to where I started, "Success."  Before I left on vacation for almost a month, I weighed 178.6, which is much higher than my competition weight of 160, weight is just a number and relative, not the definition of success, I have.  My coach and I talked about nutrition being the key for me (she must know me better than I know myself sometimes - didn't workout nearly as much as I planned or wanted to which I was fine with).  She recommended that my level for success is coming home after the vacation weighing within 5 pounds of when I left, come one I was gonna be gone a month.  I was hopeful I would lose 10 pounds while on vacation(what was I thinking??? Lofty goals, but I really accepted that learning to manage my nutrition and being within 5 pounds after a month was perfectly acceptable and probably more realistic.)  We talked about me taking my measurements weekly, so I could have some measurable feedback about my progress and also what types of foods I should be focused on eating.  Remember, we were going on a road trip for a month and we would be staying in various hotels and other peoples homes, so I would have little control over certain things and would be completely out of my comfort zone. We agreed that I would stay away from starchy carbs for the most part (come on I was on vacation... I wanted a bite here and there, so I stole them from Kirk's plate).  I focused on eating protein, veggies, fruit, and fat, yes I said fat.  So eggs and caon with fruit was a perfect morning meal.  Ranch or blue cheese dressings on my salad was fine because I didn't eat the bread or have croutons and I always loaded up with protein.  Many times I ordered chicken with two sides of veggies for dinner and you know what, IT WORKED!!!!  I am proud to say after 3 weeks of vacation, eating out pretty much every meal, I came home and weighed in at 178.4, which is .2 pounds LESS THAN what I was when I left!!!!!!!!!!  How amazing is that!!!!  What a feeling of accomplishment, that I made sure I shared with whoever would listen, finally I feel like I have learned how I can eat for life and not feel deprived or like a failure..

So again back to Success.  Success, means all kinds of things including just staying the same, learning new skills, finding balance or challenging yourself to find something that works.  I found success on vacation and now that I am home there is no stopping me.  I can enjoy many of the same things others around me like - I have just figured out a variation that works for me.  Success is about you and only you!!  Not your significant other, parents, children, friends, family members, co-workers or clients, Success is about you.  I found success in realizing that I can master my nutrition and for the first time ever I came home from vacation lighter.  All by figuring out what works for me.  In doing this, I think both Kirk and I realized that we can both enjoy what we want or that I can eat a "Special way" and he can still eat how he wants.  And that is perfectly okay.  Since we have been home, I have been cooking healthy food but serving it slightly different - I make very lean Sloppy Joe's with a homemade sauce, Kirk eats it on a bun and I topped it on grilled zucchini.  We both loved it!!  I feel good and he feels good.

What does all this mean for you??  Well start thinking about how you measure success.  Then ask yourself, why do I measure it that way??  Is it coming from me and what I want for myself and my life or is this someone else's expectation or desire for me?  Once you start figuring out the answers to these questions you will be able to find more success and maybe even more satisfaction in what you are doing in your life.

 Remember, Success has many meanings and identifying the one that is right for you is personal.  Comparing yourself to someone else's standards including societies, or sometimes even your own only sets you up for disappointment and frustration and feeling like a failure.  With all of that, my challenge for you is to start to identify how you measure your success.  Explore what it looks like and why it looks like that.  And one final question to ask is "Is this my measure or someone else's?"  Trust yourself and find your definition of success, one that makes you feel confident and satisfied with who you are.

Summary of Our First week of Vacation

So as many of you know – Kirk and I have taken one month off and are on vacation.  We have now been officially been gone a week and I wanted to share some of what I have been struggling with, found success with and basically how it has been going.

I decided to plan food for this trip, which I think has made a huge difference overall.  We brought a big cooler and filled it with water, other drinks, and food.  The food I packed for the trip was mostly healthy clean food so I wouldn’t be tempted by hunger at our fuel stops.  In the cooler, there was beef jerky, think thin protein bars, almonds, grapefruit, cherries, unsalted peanuts, organic trail mix, lunch meat, cheese, lettuce leaves for lettuce wraps, and so much more healthy food.  I have to admit it was a success!!!  Not only did it help me stay on track, it helped my man.  Instead of buying junk food we were able to have a roadside lunch that healthy and inexpensive.  I was never tempted to get anything from the local fuel store and in fact we never really went inside of them except when we wanted coffee. 

My food planning also has worked out for snacks and lunches since we have been in one of my favorite places, Coos Bay, OR.  To my surprise Kirk has really enjoyed the lettuce wraps.  However, we have been eating out as well and eating with family friends.  This has offered me some challenge.  When planning with my coach we agreed that I would do protein, veggies, fruits, and healthy fats; and that I would stay away from starchy carbs like bread, pasta, potatoes, etc.  I have to admit for the most part I have been able to do this.  It has offered me challenges where there aren’t substitutions, so what I have done is just ordered my food without potatoes or allowed Kirk to eat them if he wanted them.  Although I admit I have had a bite here and there of some of my favorites from his plate, biscuits and gravy, blueberry pancakes, etc. and I also have made choices on when to indulge a little more on my own plate.  This though is something I have to watch and make sure I really want it and that is it for the week, which has been hard.  So this is something I am still working on perfecting.

For workouts, I decided that there are many things I can do that don’t require weights (although I love my weights and wish I could have them at the beach).  I brought my workout log book, a couple bands, my plyo workouts (which take up no space other than what is needed in my head), and the idea of walking/running on the beach with my dog.  So far I have done lots more walking than anything else, which is fine because part of my plan is recovery time and walking on the beach with Kirk and our dogs is definitely recovery time.  I did get two “real” workouts in this past week – 500 walking lunges and a 20 minute plyo workout.  I will try to pick up the workouts this next week - increase to 4-5 days.

I mentioned the recovery time/activities.  This is an important piece of fat loss without it losing fat becomes more difficult and all the workouts and healthy nutrition can be undermined by unmanaged stress.  And recently I have had a lot of major stress with work.  I had been trying to manage it but truth be told I feel overwhelmed and completely helpless at work.  Enough work talk, though I am on vacation and don’t want to think about that place.  What is important about this piece is that I am finally taking the time to recover and rejuvenate by slowing down the pace, enjoying the ocean views and ocean water as it wash over my feet.  It is the Northwest Coast – so the ocean is pretty darn cold and the temp outside has been maybe a high of 67 which for you who live in AZ know – that is like our winter. Needless to say - we haven't been swimming in it.

The last thing I planned to do to help keep myself in line was to measure myself every week.  This will help keep things in perspective about what I am doing.  I was planning on bringing my scale but I didn’t do it, for a couple reasons. Kirk thought I was crazy and said “you’re on vacation.”  I talked to him about my goals and what I wanted to be able to do and that I want my vacation to be a healthy one not one I regret and undo all the work I have already done, plus it’s not like we are leaving for a weekend.  We are planning to be gone a whole month.  So I settled with something I thought was reasonable and that I talked with my coach about – a measuring tape.  This is small easy to carry and would help me see where I was at with my body.  I am happy to say that although my measurements have been up since I stopped training for the competition, they were down when I measured yesterday from when I measured before we left and this makes me feel great!!

With all the above said here is what I am going to work on this week and also the things you can do as well when you go on vacation:

1) Continue to order food that is basically protein and veggies only (order double veggies when possible) – Stay AWAY from starchy carbs.  Bring in my own fruit to eat if they don’t offer a substitute for starchy carbs.  We have found Denny’s is a great option and very accessible when traveling.

2) Limit bites of Kirks food – only one nicely sized bite if it is something I am really craving – otherwise I will steer clear of it.

3) Allow myself one cheat meal a week – however on that day I need to make sure I do a workout. No excuses.

4) Workout 4-5 times per week – even if it is only 15 minutes – I need to be doing something to keep my muscle tone and help burn fat.  No more excuses.  The other day I did a 20 minute workout when Kirk was getting ready & watching tv. 

5) Continue recovery walks and activities with Kirk and the dogs.  Remember vacation is supposed to be fun and enjoyable.  Treasure the moments and soak them in. 

6) Measure my body once weekly and email my coach with progress.  If you are working with a coach it is important to continue to be in communication with them, so he/she can continue to support you and your goals.  Also this keeps you focused on your goals even though you are on vacation.  Just because vacation is here doesn’t mean you forget about what you want.  My focus is still present and I am using this is another opportunity to challenge myself and learn how to manage temptations as well as grow stronger and more focused.  (My hope is that I lose a little while on vacation but if I just stay the same I will be incredibly happy).

Overall on vacation it is important to recover from stress and rejuvenate yourself.  Be thoughtful of your choices and plan when you can.  I have been able to eat pretty much anywhere we have gone just by staying committed to what I am choosing to eat.  Short quick workouts keep you moving in the right direction without taking up too much time and some days my workout has consisted of running on the beach with my dogs and hiking up to an amazing waterfall (Raven & I sprinted up hill and ran downhill to both of them for a short distance).  The point is to make it work for you without feeling an increase in stress by doing it.

Remember you always have a choice even when on vacation, so choose it wisely and you won’t be disappointed when you return.

Vacation vs. Healthy Me/You: Be Healthy & Still Enjoy Yourself

I recently went on vacation with my boyfriend and a couple of our friends.  We stayed in a place where we had a kitchen, visited another friend and also spent some time riding dirt bikes.  I found many challenges to sticking with my healthy plan.  I find it especially difficult when I travel with others to maintain my healthy habits.  This is something that I think many of us struggle with when we get out of our normal routine and have less control of where we eat.  I found that even in traveling to a place where we had a kitchen the people around me wanted to go out to eat.  Sometimes eating out makes me nervous because there are temptations depending on where we go and no matter where you go there will be temptations. 

This trip was no different I definitely was faced with temptations and some I was able to do well with and others I struggled with, which helps me understand that I still am growing and learning new skills.  The first place we went I tried to eat well but it was hard because they have the best biscuits and gravy and we rarely go there, so I had a few bits of my boyfriends. (Which was better than eating a full plate of my own).  Then we ended up at a bar for dinner one night, I have able to order a chicken sandwich hold the bread, coleslaw (their salad bar was closed) and a potato (which was only a half of potato).  Not too bad, however I did have some beers.  The next day I was able to start fresh with a good breakfast however as they day continued on choices became harder and again I spent another night having some drinks (this was a theme of the whole weekend – do well in the morning and increasing struggle throughout the day and into the evening). 

All and all I did alright, I wasn’t great but I didn’t though caution to the wind.  I did work out a couple time during the trip and it felt great to be able to do that.  I did come back about 5 pounds heavier and then struggled to get it off.  However what was different about this trip is that I was more aware of my choices and paid more attention to how my body was reacting to the less than healthy food choices.  I couldn’t help but notice I felt bloated, experienced more gas (yes increase in farting.J), and felt less energetic.  These things helped me understand how my food choices impacted my body and my body was telling me hey I don’t like how this food makes me feel. 

I learned six major things that I am going to work on the next trip and you can implement as well.

1.      I always have control over my choices and so do you (even if I don’t have a kitchen, I can make healthy choices where ever I go).  It is my choice to have a beer, glass of wine or glass of water.  No one was pressuring me to drink and what to drink.  If you want to drink, it is wise to choose something that you drink a little slower, that way you don’t pack on the extra calories.  For me this means that I will try to choose wine over beer. This also applies to food – no one makes you choose the hamburger and fries, you can always choose a salad with the dressing on the side, drip your fork into the dressing and then add your salad to the fork.  Just make sure your salad has some healthy protein.  Stay away from fried stuff if you can.

2.      Workouts are always possible when on vacation.  There are lots of things you can do that don’t require weights or machines.  This is also a nice change of pace for your body it requires your muscles to do something different, which is always good.  One thing you can do before you go is plan out what you would like to do, and keep simple and less than 30 minutes.  It can be a plyo workout, a sprint session (you don’t need to be at a track to do sprints – just pick two points a good distance apart and then sprint one way, walk back the other way), or even try doing 500 walking lunges (I know crazy but always an option – it should take you less than 30 minutes depending on your fitness level).  There are lots of things to do so just find something that you enjoy!

3.      Plan ahead.  Take the snacks and food that you can eat.  Where you go may not have what you need so if you can take it pack it!!  That way there will not be any questions or excuses of why you couldn’t do it.  Then if you don’t eat what you brought, it is only about a choice you made versus, the excuse of well I couldn’t find it.  Easy things to pack are protein bars, almonds, grapefruits, and apples. 

4.      Choose water as your primary drink.  Yes its vacation and you will likely indulge in more drinks, more eating out (which also means more sodium intake) and more things that you might not normally do.  Drinking as much water as possible a minimum of 8 glasses but preferable 12 glasses or as close to a gallon as possible, will help flush out the sodium and keep you hydrated. Both of these are important for your body to be running at optimal levels. 

5.      Have an eating strategy and give yourself one to two cheat meals (depending on how long you are on vacation.)  I know when I am on vacation I choose foods that I normally wouldn’t eat food with creamy sauces, pastas, alcohol and dessert. However if I eat like that every day I will be sabotaging my hard work.  To help limit self sabotage, give yourself permission to have a cheat meal or two and eat anything you want. (try to keep it max two cheat meals per week, so if vacation is less than a week – limit it to one cheat meal). The other nights try to stick with a lean protein and veggies, especially in the evening.  Swap out the rice or potatoes for an extra side of veggies.  You will feel better in the morning not only physically but also mentally because you won’t be saying to yourself “why did I do that….I can’t believe I did that….what was I thinking… now I have ruined everything….Oh I did it again, I am horrible….I can’t do anything right what is wrong with me.”  These statements don’t help you at all so give yourself permission for a cheat and the rest of the time make healthy choices.

6.      Practice awareness of your choices and only make a choice for right now. Much of the above suggestions rely on your ability to be aware of your choices and to make each choice in the moment.  Remember it is important not to give away all your future choices (this will create more self sabotage) and you can enjoy things in moderation.  Moderation is not “Oh I am on vacation therefore I can through caution to the wind and eat whatever I want because I only do it once a year.”  Moderation is making choices about where and when you will indulge and doing it because you want to not because you are on vacation.  If you do the latter you might feel worse about yourself and your choices later, especially when you get home and reality slaps you in the face.  It is okay to indulge but awareness of your choices is a critical component of the equation to being healthy and happy. Without awareness it is harder to reach your goals and stay on track.  When you are aware of your choices and plan out your indulges, you will in turn be kinder to yourself and kindness to yourself is a necessity to sticking with your healthy choices.

On your next vacation or even this coming weekend (this could be applied to weekends too) try to follow these six suggestions and see what happens.  Note how you feel about yourself both physically and mentally.  You might be surprised that you don’t feel deprived and you don’t feel bad about your choices when you return home.  Remember give yourself grace, this is a journey not a destination and we are continuously growing and learning.  Use each vacation as an opportunity to practice making the healthiest choices for you.  The more you practice the better you get, even the best athletes have to practice every day.  Remember you can do anything you put your mind too with awareness and control over your choices!!  Good luck and let me know how your next vacation or weekend is after trying these 6 suggestions!!

Now What....

So Now What.... is one of the questions I have been struggling with however I know what. The what is the upcoming photo shoot in June where I will get to meet the other amazing women in the coaching program with my coach Jill.  However even though I know the what, I still am asking now what.

Last week was incredibly challenging - mentally.  After the competition, I was on a competition high, "no one and nothing can stop me!!"  However after that wore off, I have struggling refocusing.  Mainly it has been incorporating new foods, normal foods back into my nutrition plan.  I feel like I have gone a little bit hog wild.  I have been able to justify my behavior by saying things like "I deserve this, it is okay I am allowed to have some cheat meals or little indulges" but that is not serving me well.  It is hurting me and a form of self-sabotage.  I knew I would gain some weight back after the competition it is inevitable because I was dehydrating so once I put water back into my diet 5 pounds was going to come back, but then I added about another 5 more following my birthday.  Which is still great, especially when I was able to by a size 6 pair of jeans, even if they were from Old Navy the tag says 6.  However, with that said I am fearful of back sliding and find myself struggling to maintain a balanced meal plan - one day I do great and then I blow it or I do great part of the day but then eat candy from work or a slice of pizza with dinner when I ordered soup and salad.  

One thing that I am realizing is that I was very dedicated to my competition plan, and I only realized that because I am noticing my behavior now.  I don't think I thought I was being that diligent but I was.  I wasn't having candy and eating pizza, when we went out to eat I was able to order the healthiest thing on the menu.  Its weird because I think right now I miss my competition meal plan - not necessarily the rigid dedication to it but I miss some of the meals, I miss the energy I got from eating the clean food, I miss the stevia sweetened green tea which I though of as my special treat.  I just miss how good I felt eating on that plan.  My new post-competition plan is good and I like it but there are some things missing, like oat bran with stevia and cinnamon.  I know I am weird but oddly enough those foods became comforts and sources of excitement.  

Figuring out how to get that fire back it important, the NOW WHAT? do I do after the competition.  I am excited about the photo shoot but I don't know why it doesn't drive more excitement into me when I think about eating clean.  I just don't know what to do without going back on a competition plan and that is not a solution to the issue, that is a band-aid and eventually I am going to have to face this issue head on, so I might as well do it now.  Luckily, in my most recent email to my coach, I shared my struggles and requested guidance.  However ultimately it is up to me because she has already given me a post-competition meal plan that is good and I like, but there is just something missing and that might be the feeling of focusing on a goal. I think that I am not looking at the photo shoot the same as the competition and this is something that I might not ever be able to do but acknowledging it is important so I can work on it.  I am planning on competing in another competition however I would love to move into Figure instead of bikini and to do that I know I have to really focus on lifting heavy and eating clean and the sooner I figure out this mental issue of self sabotage the sooner I will be on track to build for Figure.  I just don't want to be "now what" after the next competition.  

As I write this blog, I continue to ask myself Now What??? I think the "Now What" is to get back to my original goal of obtaining my optimal physique and to start taking steps for achieving a physique muscular, tone and fit enough to compete again in November.  Starting now and finding balance will help get me closer to that goal and also help me manage the "Now What" when I am done.  I wonder if I should be treating the photo shoot like a competition. Should I follow a stricter plan however allowing one cheat meal a week instead of little indulges. I think I might be happier with myself and my choices if I continue to make the ones that get me to my goal instead of the ones that come more natural (my bad habits).  Sometimes old habits die hard but they must die when they are no longer serving me in a healthy way.

This is my week to figure out a plan that I can work with for the next several months and work through negative choices that don't serve me.  It will be important for me to figure out what I like from my competition plan and incorporate it with my post-competition plan.  Talking with my coach and exploring self sabotage will be crucial as well as talking about coming of the post-competition high and getting advice about how to manage it and move forward without moving backwards.  So to wrap it up (since it's my bedtime), the first thing I will do is get up in the morning and workout, when I get home I will look at my different plans and see what I can come up with and then review that along with how I am feeling with my coach.  After that I will need to continue to blog about my challenges and success, focus on my goal and create stops and spaces for breathing and reflecting.  I have to remember these two things as well

 1) Be kind to myself 
 2) Trust the process.  

Post Competition Review: First Battle with Old Habits

Today is officially one week post bikini competition for me and it has been great.  I did gain about five pounds after the competition but I am still happy with that because it is probably all water weight plus it was that time of month, you women know what I mean.  The week started out strong and I really tried to watch my choices, allowing myself some small indulges but countering them with healthy choices.  However, yesterday and today, I really battled with old habits.  I now understand the saying "old habits die hard" better today.  I wasn't under stress the past two days, however, I didn't plan well, so for me that meant I didn't make the best choices, plus I had the mind set of "it's okay to indulge a little bit," "I deserve it because I worked so hard," and "everyone else is doing it, so its okay."  I will be happy when these thoughts don't come so naturally.

So here is the full confession for my week: 

~Monday, I went to the gym, did my workouts and felt great, followed my plan about 85% and enjoyed a special treat but it was small and I savored it.  

~Tuesday - slept in and missed morning workout however went to the gym at night, ate well probably about 90% on my plan, still enjoyed a little indulging but well controlled.  

~Wednesday - again hit the gym but missed the cardio since I slept in (I really stayed up too late the night before) ate pretty well overall and tonight I looked forward to my cheat me - I ordered a huge (I mean huge) burrito from one of our favorite Mexican place - it was a Machaca Burrito with Rice, Beans and Cheese inside enchilada style with sour cream.... It tasted so amazing and I almost finished it I really tired too but I didn't.  It actually made me feel sick, bloated and tired for the rest of the night.  I didn't feel myself the rest of the night and again stayed up too late.  

~Thursday comes - I made it to the gym but only for part of my cardio session since I slept in again, ate well for the day but enjoyed a small slice of pizza before I went to my evening workout (I teach cardio kickboxing twice a week and do martial arts twice a week).  Tried to get to bed early but in bed again late but this time super late.  

~Friday came, woke up late, went to the gym but missed cardio because I needed to get home.  Morning meal went great and then it was downhill from there, missed snacks, had a chimichanga with jalapeno cream cheese, rice and black beans with chips and salsa with a mango margarita.  When dinner came I had hot wings to start and split them with my boyfriend well it was like a 70-30 split and I was on the 70 end.  Then I ordered a grilled chicken salad but it had bacon and cheese on it with ranch - so bad but balsamic didn't sound good right then.  I didn't eat most of the bacon or cheese and hardly touched the ranch.  After that I had some drinks probably about 4 but, I remembered to drink lots of water.  

~Saturday, I woke up (we camped over night and it was so cold because it rained where we were), had coffee (added a little plain creamer) and ordered breakfast where we were, they had two choices, I chose the breakfast burrito - not great, in fact it tasted horrible.  I drank water and we came home.  I missed most all my snacks however had a few almonds.  We did some errands and when we got hungry we went to one of my favorite pizza and wing places (such a horrible choice but it tasted so yummy).  We ordered pizza with ham and pineapple and hot wings.  I had two slices of pizza and about 16 of the 20 wings (I love wings way more than my boyfriend).  I kinda justified this because tonight was supposed to be a cheat meal.  I drank water but missed today's workout.  When we got home, we took a nap and I felt bloated and yucky.  We woke up a couple hours ago and I still feel bloated and yucky, since I was hungry I made a good choice - 10 almonds and a small orange and small grapefruit with more water to help cleanse/detox my body. This is my previous pattern, work hard all week to just to sabotage myself on the weekends.  

Being so honest about my week is hard because part of me feels like a failure to have fallen right back into those bad habits but these two days do not represent what happened the whole week.  I made it to the gym everyday except today and I already knew that I wouldn't be able to workout today because we were going to a camping event, so I decided ahead of time I would move my Saturday workout to Sunday (which is my 36th Birthday so how great will it be to get my butt out of bed and workout, I think that is better than sleeping in).   In my weight workouts, I was able to increase my free weights from 15 pounds and 10 pounds for my ME workout to 20 pounds (squat press, lunge curls, and push up rows) and 15 for squat side raises.  This felt awesome because I am stronger than I think I am most of the time.  What was even more awesome about this two is that I was able to do 4.5 sets of my ME Circuit in 20 minutes, so if I keep this up I will likely have to increase the weights again in a week or two or maybe I will just change the workout plan.  Also, I weighed 167.2 on Monday after the show and Friday I weighed 167 in the morning - so I was able to keep my weight steady all week.  My measurements were very close to my pre-competition measurements too.  I am not so focused on weight - oh forgot to mention that my body fat percentage was done since the competition too, feels great!!

I am still very motivated to continue my journey and this struggle the past couple days has taught me that it is still important for me to be planning and getting back into the right mindset.  Which is about making healthy choices regardless of what others are doing and remembering there is no "Free day".  I think it also helped me understand, that I do not like the way I feel right now, my body feels gross and bloated and I worked to damn hard to let me old ways of sabotaging my success come back.  I will persevere and conquer this, because I am now aware of what is happening and I don't want this and I have a great support system.  I want to continue to feel confident and proud of myself and my choices.  

It feels awesome to come back and have people that I know or who know of me through my boyfriend and other friends, contact me about helping them reach their goals. So it is really important to me to stay focused and not lose sight of all my goals and also not undo what progress I have made, because it was a lot of hard work.  I had some great friends get me amazing gifts after the competition and my training client wrote me a beautiful card.  I have also had lots of people tell me how amazed they are that I was able to stay focused on my dream and actually compete in the Bikini Competition.  I actually had a friend recently tell me that he didn't think I would be able to do it when I told him I was going to do it but he quietly kept that to himself and when I did it and he saw my progress, he acknowledged that he was blown away and I had knocked it out of the park.  Friday night another one of our friends, told me he was secretly following my journey (I had no idea he was) but he was so impressed at how I had done and how far I had come since he last saw me. He spent probably 10-15 minutes of our dinner just talking about my progress, then another friend also acknowledged my accomplishment and told me he had also been following my journey and was also impressed.  It felt amazing and in fact as I am typing it now, I am feeling that energy come back and start to fuel me. Last night it was also cool that one of my boyfriends old friends who we rarely see comment on how amazing I look (he had no idea I had done a competition) but he was just shocked at how much I had changed and said something like I have never looked this good.  Another person said if they hadn't been following me, they wouldn't have even known who I was because I look so different.  

It was nice to hear all those positive comments and I want to keep those mentally at the front of my mind when I start to make decisions.  I am in the process of making a sustainable plan but that doesn't give me the right to do two days of free for all eating and drinking - I guess I was kinda on a controlled binge....if there is even such a thing.  Not eating so much I throw up but just eating whatever I want because I want it type binge.  This whole recap brings me to this thought:

Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall. ~ Confucious

With this in mind, my choices Friday and today have been a time I have fallen, but I was able to understand what was happening and acknowledged that I was having thoughts that justified my choices, once I really reflected and woke up from my nap, I made healthier choices.  Tomorrow will be another time for me to rise and make healthier choices that will help create my balanced lifestyle.  Tomorrow I will be 36 and I want to start the day off right so I will do a morning workout since I took Saturday off and then my boyfriend and I will head to this amazing place called The Farm for breakfast where they grow all their own food - I will make a healthy choice for breakfast but before we leave the house I will make sure that I have plenty of water to take with me and some snacks in case we are out of the house for longer than I expect.  Plus I am going back to implementing a bedtime of 10pm - I can no longer stay up until midnight and get up and workout - my body has become accustomed to sleep and I understand how important it is on a physical level.  I will also make sure that I have what I need for the week for me to continue to make the choices that are in line with my goals and help me move towards them. My goals right now are to 1) Continue to become fitter, healthier, stronger and leaner 2) Create a healthy balanced lifestyle 3) Compete in another Bikini or maybe my first figure competition November 3, 2012.  4) Get ready for my next stop on my journey - professional photo shoot June 22, 2012 in North Carolina that my coach is setting up and I am hoping that I might get to meet some of the other ladies in the Best of You Coaching Club while I am there.   5) Creating a workable plan for my three week vacation in July, so that when we are on the road, I am making healthy choices and getting a good workout.

I know that I can continue this journey strong and focused and I accept that every once in a while I will be tested, which is how I will grow and these challenges give me the opportunity to exercise newly formed mental muscles and I need them to grow and get stronger.  Something that I have always believed in is this "if you are not satisfied with where you are at right now, make the choices that get you to where you want to be."  I am happy with where I am right now because I am so much different from where I was 30 pounds ago and even more so 50 pounds ago, but this is not the end of my journey,  I still have more body fat to lose and more body change to make happen.  I still have more to learn about myself so I can help others.  I am truly proud of myself regardless of my errors and I become stronger because I have made and learned from them. One final thought:

Nothing can stop the man with the right mental attitude from achieving his goal; nothing on earth can help a man with the wrong mental attitude. ~ Thomas Jefferson

Competition Insights and Reflections

My first Bikini Competition was Saturday April 7, 2012 and above are some of my pictures from the stage.  I had an awesome time.  It was amazing and I felt so confident.  I was very happy that I got to share my experience with my friends and my boyfriend!

I learned a lot of things during the competition. First it is a lot harder than it looks.  Posing on stage in the right sequence, slow yet fast enough, and with the right attitude, charisma and  peppy personality that the judges are looking for, all while fighting off your nerves.  Oh and don't forget to smile, that is so important.  Then if you remember and make it through all that, next you have to pose while waiting for all the other girls to do their thing.  It is a lot to do and boy can a girls back get sore trying to hold some poses. Wait forgot to say that you have to remember not to slouch, stand up tall and sexy, yet graceful and elegant.

The whole experience was surreal at times.  We went to check in on Friday night and luckily went early and we were done quickly.  Luckily I got to compete with one of my friends and we were standing next to each other, it was awesome!  I loved being able to share the experience with two of my friends.  I really looked to them for guidance since they both had competed before.  Next we the competitors meeting before prejudging where they provided us the information we needed for the competition.  Basically the outline of the day and evening.  After that it was getting ready for prejudging and a lot of waiting.  During that time we took time to talk, watch the other competitors and prepare ourselves for our walk on stage.  While I was talking to my friend Stephanie, she shared with me that she had gotten sick about 3 weeks before the competition and wasn't going to compete however our friend Brandi shared with her my blog.  She told me that as she was reading it, I became her inspiration for competing and that is the only reason she was at this competition because of me and my story motivating her.  Brandi acknowledged the same thing.  That was so humbling and I wanted to cry, but Steph reminded me I wasn't wearing waterproof mascara or eye liner.  I think I am still in a little bit of a shock that I was motivating them,  I was looking up to them and they were in turn looking for inspiration and motivation.

As many of you know I created a progression collage, to keep with me in case I started to get doubtful of my worthiness to be there, in case I started to compare myself to other women.  I did create it and I actually found a picture from 2009 when I was like 215 pounds.  I added it to my collage, I still can't believe that was actually me. I don't even look like the same person!  What I found there was I didn't even really need it.  I only looked at  it a couple of times, and mostly to show other people my progress.  It was amazing to me how I felt included, no one looked at me funny or talked behind my back or whispered as I walked by.  Both women and men alike were nice, social and mostly concerned about themselves and their friends.  The people that I knew and that I met told me how great I looked.  I ended up hearing stories about other women also losing 20 plus pounds to compete.  Another thing I noticed as I looked around at everyone, was that most all the women had some time of wiggle, jiggle or stretch mark or something they were concerned about.  I actually heard one beautiful lady talk about her butt and how it isn't that great but its hers and she working it. Mind you I thought it was pretty amazing.  So everyone of them had their own insecurities but that didn't stop them from competing.

As we watched some of the other competitors, I saw a women who was in the Master's Class looking very fit and sexy come out on stage and do her poses.  As I was watching her I happened to notice that she had the worst stomach stretch marks I had ever seen on a woman (however she definitely had tight and toned abs), and this is something I know from my friends with children, many of them are self conscious about.  But as I watched her, I wasn't drawn to them, I was drawn away from them, by her confidence, her smile and her overwhelming inner beauty.  I thought, how amazing that this woman is to be able to have so much inner strength and self confidence that she is not letting something on the outside of her body hold her back.  I found so much power in watching her and I wish that every woman I knew had the confidence she had.  She stood tall and strong, proud of who she was regardless of other peoples perceptions because that's all they are anyways, someone else's perception, which we don't need to ingest or take on, because that's that persons shit.

I felt very normal and it was weird that I didn't get nervous until I was just about to walk on stage for the first time, only because I kind of expected to be a little nervous, but instead it felt natural probably from all the visualization that my coach had me do.    As I walked on to stage I had so many things running through my head of what to do and what to remember, smile, pose, look at the judges, etc. oh and have fun - most importantly.  While I was on stage posing, I heard my boyfriend cheering for me, probably because he yelled "Poohpotch" which for some reason is his nickname for me.  I saw my friend Brandi cheering me on and both those things helped me feel good and confident on stage, that I was just as deserving to be there as the next competitor. 

I was invigorated with positive power and energized by the whole experience.  Again something that I wish every woman I know could experience (even if she doesn't want to do bikini competition).  As we took pictures backstage, I found that when I reviewed them I couldn't believe how great I looked and that truly I wasn't much bigger than my friends.  I didn't look like a lard ass (which I don't believe about myself but was concerned those negative thoughts would try to derail me), in fact I felt like I looked incredibly sexy.  (In fact, after seeing some of the pictures of me from the back, I started to thing those things but I was able to get those out of my head once I remember what my journey has been and that I am the sexist, fittest, strongest, healthiest, and thinnest me)

During the break between prejudging and finals, my boyfriend told me he couldn't remember when I looked so sexy, so good and that he thought in that moment, that was the sexist and most beautiful I had ever looked.  I think he was right not because of what I looked like on the outside but because I had the inner beauty glow beaming through my skin, confidence and inner strength pumping through my veins, and the feeling of success pumping my heart and filling my lungs with every breathe I took.  Achieving a goal that I had set for years, agreed 1000% with me and it showed.  I definitely glowed and I think I am still glowing, :o)

I felt proud of myself and my accomplishment of a significant goal for myself.   I still feel very proud of myself and I am so looking forward to competing again in 6 months.  I can't wait to see what I can do in the next six months....maybe figure instead of bikini, but I will make that decision in about 4 months.  For now, I am going to enjoy the current feelings of celebration and success that are present in my mind and body.  I will continue to regain some balance and start creating a sustainable lifestyle which includes fitness and healthy nutrition.  Because competition mode is very difficult personally and on your relationships. I will continue to workout six days a week but only once per day for now and continue my fat loss and body change journey.

I want to be the best me I can.  I also want to help other women achieve this feeling and make the changes they want in their lives.  One thing that I didn't expect when I started this blog or through about when I decided to share my story was how it would motivate and inspire other women.  I feel honored that some of them have sought me out to help them achieve their goals.  What is ironic in a way, is that I am inspired by hearing that I have inspired and am inspiring others.  As I have completed this journey, I had no idea how far my story would read or how it would impact others, I did it in the beginning to hold myself accountable and to get support to continue through my journey to the stage.  But yet my journey does not end at the stage, the stage was just my first stop along my journey.  And as Bruce Lee said "Remember, success is a journey not a destination.  Have faith in your ability. You will do just fine."  And that I did, just fine!!  I had no expectations of winning and even if I placed last in my division, it doesn't matter because I am now a bikini competitor and I have achieve a goal that has been on my goal list for more than five years.  I was a winner before I walked into prejudging and I am a winner now!!

I want to leave you with one last thought - this was a magnet a dear friend gave me because she was so proud of my perseverance and dedication to my goal of competing:

What lies behind us and what lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Final Countdown to the Competition Stage

Only five days left until the competition and it has been a good yet challenging week.  My exercises have changed and so has my food.  Although I think I am doing well, I am battling cheats everyday especially when I am at work.  I have faced some thoughts of self doubt and struggled to get them out of my head.  Last week I had a very difficult day mentally and it was important for me to work through that.  Self doubt and over expectation came up from behind and tried to derail me.  I started to think that I could have done better, I hadn't done enough, I didn't look as good as I wanted to, I was starting to think about how fat and full of cellulite I would look on stage and that my bikini fit too tight.  All these thoughts were starting to mess with me briefly but I was able to get them under control and process how far I have come.

To rid myself of these evil demons (which do come back sometimes), I started to think about my behavior a year ago and what I weighed, how I looked and how I felt physically and emotionally.  I thought about my desire to "want" to do a figure/bikini competition but never failing to make any more progress than to put it on a list of things to do this year and it would of course get rolled over to the next year.  Well not this year, this year before I turn 36 I will have competed in a bikini competition,  I have lost almost 50 pounds since I weighed my heaviest and since I decided to compete and after the holidays, I have lost 25 pounds of those.  I have also lost over 6% body fat, which is so important.  I have changed many habits, actually truly working out several times a week, previously I just went to Kempo which was great because it helped me lose 12-15 pounds but then I hit a plateau.  I started working out here and there and when I did great I would make progress, but as soon as I stopped it would come back.  I also had a difficult time keeping my nutrition clean even 70% of the time because in one week I would do great the first three-five days and then sabotage myself on the weekend.  Now I am able to follow a competition meal plan, which I might say, is definitely harder than a "normal"   healthy meal plan.  I also cut drinking and to be honest, I like this, I wake up refreshed and don't have to spend a whole day recovering or two from a hang over.  And even though I have battled with cheating, I have come a long way from my habits before.

I feel physically and mentally stronger and healthier.  Before I started training for the competition I had terrible knee pain and was diagnosed with mild medial osteoarthritis in both my knees.  Most my patella hurt (which is pain the goes vertical in the middle of your knee).  Now I am able to do 500 walking lunges in 20 minutes with no knee pain and 6 sets of a Plyometric workout in 20 minutes, and do track sprints - 100 meters.  Funny story about the track sprints, the last time I was doing them a friend was with me and when we got to the  track there was the college track team practicing.  We still got to use the track but of course had to move to the outside of the track.  So as I was sprinting one of my 100 meters, when I do to the end one of the girls training said "you are inspiring me."  I said thank you but thought to myself "wow me inspiring her....that is awesome and totally empowering.  Here I am not very fast compared to them, but I was actually inspiring her."  I am very proud of that moment and that moment only came because I decided to compete in this bikini competition and because I hired an awesome coach who sent me out to do track sprints.  Which I have to say I absolutely love and will keep it as part of my weekly workout.

Another way I have recently keep those evil demons out of my head was go through my closet and try things on.  It is funny because I have another whole bag of things that fall off me, so that makes two full garbage bags for me to donate.  I still have a bunch of clothes that are too big but I can still pull off wearing them for a another month (I hope).  This year I will to ask people for money or gift cards to go shopping with for my birthday. Some clothes I got from a friend when she lost a lot of weight and some things went from being to small to being to big, I never got to wear them at the just right stage but hey I am good this that.  I know before too long I will have cycled though all my clothes.  Which is weird because I am the type of girl that keeps clothes for a long time at least five years and I have some from seven years ago.  But again this shows me that I have made considerable progress.

At last to keep focused on my progress I have a progression college that I look at almost daily and it is so weird because I look at my pictures and I feel like I stare at them for hours (but it's probably like 5-10 minutes - ok 30 max but usually that is when I am sending an update to my coach and comparing the new ones to the old ones).  I can't get over how much my body has changed and how I can pull off wearing the bikini I am on stage and I believe "I will rock the stage in my sexy body, that I slaved over."  Its funny a friend was telling me about showing her daughter who is like 5 or 6 my last blog with the progression pictures while she was eating (I think) and her daughter stopped, her jaw dropped and she said "how can that even be the same person?" Kids say things that are so honest and innocent and it amazes me how right she is.  I am not that person but I have grown because I was that person.  I know what it is like to strive to reach a goal, fall down, get back up, fall again, get back up and face every challenge head on.  I am not physically the same and I am not mentally the same - I am stronger, fitter, healthier and capable of whatever I put my mind too.

Five days left and I will be walking across the stage.  Luckily I will be doing it with my friend and I thank you every day that I get closer to my goal because without her event invite to the 2nd Annual Jay Cutler Desert Classic, I probably would still be doing the same thing expecting a different result, which is basically the definition of insanity. I am so blessed to have a great support system, from my boyfriend, to my coach, to my friends and family and everyone on Facebook who likes my posts or comments on them.  It means a lot to me and keeps me motivated that you all care enough to follow my progress.  I haven't been able to blog and share as much as I wanted to but I have continued to do it, to hold myself accountable and to be true to my word. In the book the Four Agreements - the first agreement is "Be Impeccable to Your Word" - I have tried to do this through my journey and I think it is working.

The final prepping moments are here, hotel booked - done, haircut - done, makeup run though - done but will do again, workouts and food prepping still to do.  Nails, spray tan and pedicure still to do.  Packing - still to do.  I have some last minute things to do but overall I feel confident, I know I have done enough and that what I have done has been good enough.  I will glide across the stage with grace and confidence as I show off my sexy body that I worked and sacrificed for.

I know that I wont be the skinniest girl or the fittest girl, but 

I am the skinniest, fittest, and sexist me 

and that is what competing is about.  

COMPETING SELF AGAINST SELF, OLD vs. NEW.  

Progress Update Only 15 Days Left

It has been several weeks since I posted, I believe 5 in fact.  I have been so busy between training, working, talking with my coach, and being a relationship that I haven't had the time to update my blog.  There are lots of finishing steps that I have to attend to in addition to all my workouts and meal planning.  This week I got my shoes and my suit and I was so excited to see if it even fit.  Once I got over the shock of how small it was I put it on and guess what, it fit!!!  Of course I had to take pictures and I was beaming with happiness when I saw my photos.  I can't believe how far I have come, so I wanted to share it with through through pictures.  I told my coach that I am going to make a college of these pictures to take with me to the show so just in case I start to engage in negative self talk or self doubt, I can have a visual reference of how far I have come.  Plus I still have two weeks prep for competition and now I am down to the wire.

Only things left to do are 1) Practice my poses and stage presence 2) watch videos on bikini competitions as research and reference for how I should own the stage 3) haircut with quick course in easy styling  4) Get my nails done and of course a pedicure 5) Keep Tanning and Spray tan just before show 6)  Get waxed just before show 7)  Become a natural in my shoes 8) Continue following my nutrition and fitness plans 9) Buy makeup and learn how to apply it for the show since I only wear tinted moisturizer these days and of course most importantly 10) Register for the show - something I was hoping to do last week but I am hoping to do this week.  I will continue to try to update my blog more often and share some of my reflections of my journey.

Again as always your feedback and support are always appreciated.  So without further ado here is my progress over the last year and of course since December 2011, when I decided to compete.

As they say "A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words."

February 2011 

May 2011

 

March 21, 2012

December 2011

February 19, 2012

47 days and Counting

There is less than 7 weeks until the figure competition and I still have a long ways to go - although I continue to make considerable progress and here are my most recent stats:

Weight - 176
Body Fat - 27.4%
N. Waist 30.5"
Belly Button 32"
High Hips 38.75"
Full Hips 40.5"
R/L Thigh 26.25"
R. Calf 15.25"
L. Calf 15"
R. Arm 12.5"
L. Arm 12.25"

 In just the last week I have lost 3.75" across my body.  I can see my muscle definition coming out more.  I know I am making progress and I feel great about it.  I was able to put on a pair of Maui Built shorts Kirk bought me which were a size 11 Juniors, so that felt great.

I still have a long journey ahead of me but at the same time I can see the finish line which is good because the amount of discipline it takes to reach this goal is challenging and difficult to sustain at times.


I appreciate everyone's support and again encourage you to let me know what differences you see.  Thank you :o)

~ Amanda

Sharing a Part of My Personal Insight Journal

2/20/12 – Continuation of Reflections from Lori Harder’s Coaching Call

Part of the discussion about having to work for what you want and how to stay focused once you decide and commit to a goal.  Lori reflected that once you commit to a goal that it is important that you keep going in order to reach your results and that you will reach your goal as long as you don’t quit.  I decided a long time ago that it was important for me to become healthier and to lose weight/fat and become more fit.  I got up to between 212-215 which was super unhealthy.  I didn’t feel good, I had no energy and my self esteem was low.  I decided that it was time to make a change and slowly but surely I would lose weight/fat and look between.  I trained with marital arts and I really loved it.  I made the decision to get a regular gym membership to be able to visit the gym more since the boxing gym was a little ways away and open limited hours.  I definitely saw results however I would lose – stay – lose – stay and then become distracted – fall back then lose – stay.  I finally decided with the help of a health coach through my insurance that I needed a goal to focus on and then Brandi set me a notice about the Jay Cutler Desert Classic Bikini/Figure Competition and so I decided that I would compete.  This was something that I had been wanting to do for a while and now I am in the process of training for the competition.  I have been working with my coach for about a month and I have less than 7 weeks to prepare for the show.  I have had many challenges along the way and one thing that came out of Lori Harder’s call was that you may have to “RE-ROUTE UNTIL YOU GET THERE.”  This speaks to me now because I have continued to struggle with being consistent, eating all my meals, drinking a gallon of water, hitting all my workouts and NOT cheating.  It has been hard.  I have had to rethink a lot of things, including how to meet all of the expectations for myself, work and my relationship.  I just had to sit down again and think about how to make things more flexible and easy for me to do. There are only 7 weeks left and that is good and hard at the same time.  Good because I have a deadline ahead of me and hard because it doesn’t leave me much room for error.  I have made great progress however, I know that if I could be more consistent and more focused, I can make even greater progress than I am now.  Don’t get me wrong I am doing a great thing and I have done a lot since I decided to compete in fact I lost 3.75” off my body which is great when you consider where I was in May.  I can’t give up now no matter how much I want cheese, pizza, pasta, cheese, and whatever else I am craving in the morning.  I know that I can do this and I am almost there. 

I believe in myself, I have faith, I can see my goal, I will keep going and I will keep growing!

Another point that came out of our group coaching call was – Insecurity.  We all deal with it and guess what it never goes away and that is from a woman who seems to have it all.  She expressed that one of the major reasons insecurity doesn’t go away is because we are constantly growing and striving to grow.  Growth has many challenges and insecurity is a huge one – Can I do this? What if everyone looks better, What if I fall, I bet I will look like a big fat tub of lard, I have big thighs, is this cellulite ever going away?  What do I do if everyone laughs at me?  What if no one cheers for me?  What if they boo me off stage – how humiliating will that be??  What if I……

I could keep going on about what insecurities run through my head throughout the day but I keep reminding myself that I am running my own race and I am competing with where I was a year ago in Hawaii.  I weighed 200 pounds and thought I looked great and you know what I did compared to the me one year/6 months before that.  I am consistently improving and growing and I encounter insecurity even with training.  Am I doing this exercise right, why are those people looking at me, what do people thinks when they see me, I don’t have the strength to do this, am I sure I can do this – it seems so hard and on and on and on.  I have to push those voices out of my head – I can’t listen to insecurity and hogwash like that because I can do anything I want.

A key strategy for dealing with insecurity is FAITH. Now I know we have all heard this before and believe me this is not about religion it is having faith in your abilities.  If you believe it can happen, think about all the things we didn’t have 100 years ago that we have now or even 25 years ago (i.e. cell phones with the internet).  Lori explained that it is important to “Envision yourself at your end goal.  Push out negative thoughts.”  I ask, “If you can imagine yourself at your end goal then how can you get there? “  “How will you be able to push out negative thoughts if you can’t see yourself succeeding at your goals?”  What is the reason for your inability to see yourself succeed?” There could be a million reasons and sometimes it is because we are not committed to the goal at hand or that we haven’t made it a priority.  “What is stopping you from success?? Is it you?”

 When I started this journey I had a lot of self doubt and insecurities, so I started telling myself 10 positive things about myself three times a day and forced myself to write them down for like four days.  I was determined to write 10 different things down every day and guess what I DID.  I ended up writing over 40 positive things about me and my ability to achieve my goals.  (I read this in an Oxygen Magazine).  It really helped me put things into perspective – I have a ton more positive things than negative ones to focus on.  I enjoyed this process because it forced me to really think about myself.  This is another way to deal with insecurity – FOCUS ON THE POSITIVE THINGS ABOUT YOURSELF

-          I am beautiful

-          I am powerful

-          I make a difference in the lives of families affected by violence

-          I am a great girlfriend

-          I am a wonderful friend

-          I have achieved many goals

-          I have the discipline and focus required to achieve my goals

-          I have overcome tragedy and loss

-          I prove every day that I am capable of doing anything I want

-          I am strong

Gratitude and helping others were also things that seemed to be important in our coaching call.  I feel that it is important to be thankful to those who help you succeed.  I don’t think that we are capable of success 100% by ourselves.  There are people who support us, believe in our ideas, mentor us, provide us guidance, and purchase what we sell.  I could not grow as a therapist if I didn’t have clients who continued to come back to see me.  It is important to recognize that people help us achieve our goals and we need to be thankful.  Right now my focus is on the competition and I am thankful for the following:  My boyfriend, my coach, my friends, my family, anyone who reads my blog, the gyms for being open when I want to go, the local college for allowing public use of their track and the people at the stores who answer my questions when I need help finding the things I need to be able to fuel my body appropriately.  All these people help me succeed at my goal, even though I have the drive to do it myself – it takes support to achieve success.  In regards to helping others, my goal is to be able to help other women reach their goals.   

Wow – I have reflected a lot and as I was looking at the notes I took there are still four more pages.  That phone call was packed with so much information and I didn’t even realize it until right now as I am processing. 

Another aspect of our coaching call explored – Define what you want and why.  Setting the goal is not the only important thing.  Why you want to achieve it is just as important as the goal if not more important.  So why compete in a figure competition, why get healthier?  Well for me part of it has to do with getting back to the root of who I am, getting toxic relationships and people out of my body and proving to myself that I can accomplish a fitness goal that probably less than 1% of the population even consider doing.  I want to be healthy and strong so I can live as long as possible in a “healthy” way – physically and emotionally.  That is why I have decided to do what I am doing.  Also I want to be a positive role model to others who want to do it but don’t have the inner strength to do it alone. 

Lori said the why should be so crystal clear that you can’t live without achieving your goal and that there is no other option but the goal.  Right now this is how I feel about competing in the figure/bikini competition and not just that just continuing to work on my physique and health/fitness beyond the competition.  I have to succeed at this to create a better now and future for myself and my family (Kirk, Raven & Ava). I can see myself succeeding and many times that is how I make it through a workout.  I focus on what I will look like when I walk across the stage and how I will feel having accomplished this goal.  It is funny because as I am working out visualizing these things to get me through – I can’t help but to smile and give myself a high-five for achieving my goal and hearing my friends and family cheer for me.  I even envision myself making top 10 (hey a girl can dream – it is possible) and if I don’t who cares, I still achieved my goal, which is to compete in a figure/bikini competition. Plain and simple – JUST COMPETE.

Our coaching call also took us self knowledge.  We reflected on what are the practices that increase self-knowledge.  These are four questions for you to ponder to help you become more aware of yourself.  1) When do I feel most like myself?  2) What am I doing when I love myself the most 3) When do I feel great and happy? 

Here are my answers to those questions 1) I feel most like myself when I am at the gym being active and teaching/training at the boxing gym.  I also feel like myself when I am helping people explore and problem solve on a deeper emotional level.  2) When I love myself to most….well right now it is when I am pushing myself beyond my limits physically, so again – when I am working out and training and seeing the results of what I am doing. 3) I feel great and happy when I have just finished an awesome workout and did more than I thought I could at the beginning.  I also feel great and happy when I make my boyfriend smile and laugh.  Another time I feel great and happy is when I help a family who is struggling with trauma and I can actually see them make progress towards resolving things. 

Lori left us with some thoughts before answering questions we had and they were insightful 1) Putting yourself out there will scare you 2) You were created to touch different people 3) Stick with what your heart is telling you.

In thinking about these three thoughts – I remember how I came to the decision to do a blog about my journey and wrestled with my fears about posting pictures of myself as I progressed.  It was hard to decide but at the same time made the most sense.  If I wanted to help people in the future, it would be important that they had a clear understanding of my story and that would be best documented through pictures and a blog.  It definitely scares me but at the same time people have praised me for having such courage and isn’t courage being able to face your fears, not the absence of fear.  Second, my blog and journey will hopefully touch and motivate others with their goals.  It doesn’t matter if they are health and fitness or not but just for people to continue to believe in themselves.  Third, my heart continually focuses on helping others but also confirms that the best way to do this is by first taking good care of myself.  I talk with all the parents I work with about the importance of good self care; therefore I feel in my heart that it is my responsibility to reflect that though my practice and my life.

Finally in the call I sought out guidance on how to manage all life when training for a figure competition and Lori’s response resonated with me.  She shared that first plan head because that is important to succeed, next forgive yourself – you will make mistakes, trust the process and your coach, pay attention to your family and make sure you communication with them about why this is important to you, and most importantly remain balanced and BE NICE.

Kirk and I have had a couple bumpy weeks and a lot of it has to do with my decision to do this competition.  It takes me away from my other responsibilities.  We have recently been able to have some good conversations and since then he has been able to be more supportive and I continue to try to be empathic to his perspective and I try to BE NICE when he is irritating me.  It helps to know there is only 7 weeks left until the competition.  I know that once we make it through this we will be a stronger couple. 

Finally the last part of this phone call that really helped me gain insight about my experience was this:

-          Dream – Act – Fix

-          It’s a process – you can tweak as you go

-          It’s a learning process – about yourself and how to do things better

-          Don’t Regret Your Mistakes – if you don’t make them how will you learn an become better.

I hope you enjoyed reading this excerpt from my personal journal, I feel that sometimes I don't share enough of my personal insight process.  Thank you again for supporting me on my journey.